Pedroxify aus Köln

Gastbeitrag zum Thema Verletzlichkeit / von pedroxify


Vulnerability and sensitivity often get repressed. Ignored. And socially classified as a weakness. Especially as a man.

But… That’s a false belief.

A false belief I myself was convinced about since years. Years in which I not fully accepted and not lived my true self.

I’m empathic. Sensitive. Compassionate. Emotional. And joyful.

And I’m able to mirror people. And feel their needs and emotions.

I always try to help, advice, improve, connect, enable, share and entertain others. And be kind, polite and open-minded.

That’s all part of my personality, of my „being vulnerable“.

Doesn’t sound like weakness, right?!

But.. it makes me different. And others realized that too.

So it ended up in getting bullied as a teenager. Exactly the time in which I was most vulnerable, shy and kind of introverted. The perfect victim.

Bullied for over 2.5 years. Even from close friends. For being too soft. Too warm-hearted. Excluded. Judged for being different. And suspected for being gay. But I’m not.

I lost friends, my self-confidence and my light-hearted joy for life.

I felt alone. Unloved. Desperate. And helpless.

So my solution was: to build up another false belief:

I’m not good enough as I am. My sensitivity makes me attackable. So I need to be as perfect as I can to avoid getting hurt again.

The next years I conditioned perfectionism as my new best buddy. Which pretended to enable me to regain control over my life.

But actually it’s not. Perfectionism is a self-fraud. Cause control is an illusion. Life always happens a little different, without previously asking.

Trying to be „perfect” is self-indulgent and unobtainable. And getting hurt can’t be avoided in life, it just happens sometimes.

Even excessively driven by perfectionism I encountered further rejection. Made faults and bad decisions. And experienced painful feelings sometimes.

I still felt unsecure. Compensated it with excessive efforts of control and unhealthy patterns. And consumed things and people on my desperate search for appraisal.

I needed 20 (!!) years, 2 burnouts and a lot of yoga and self-reflection to realize that I disowned myself over years.

And that my vulnerability and EQ are my true strengths. My kind of super power.

 

It was all there, all the time. I just needed to recognize it.

“You are loved just for being who you are, just for existing. You don’t have to do anything to earn it. Your shortcomings, your lack of self-esteem, physical perfection or social and economic success – none of that matters. No one can take this love away from you, and it will always be there.”

– Ram Dass